“Having It All” Is Destroying Your Relationship
Can we have it all? Are we willing to even question the phrase of “having it all?”
Are we chasing someone else’s version of what we want? A previous version of ourselves? Someone else’s version of expectations, perhaps via a cultural or societal lens?
Recently, in a leadership call among entrepreneurs, someone said that they wanted to have it all. So, my gut took control of my fingers and wrote in the chat, “it’s not possible to have it all, so take that weight off your shoulders”.
Intuitively, I felt resistance. Resistance by a group I absolutely love and adore, yet almost all don’t have kids and are under 35.
…and let me be direct, there’s nothing wrong with wanting something or aspiring to certain things.
Most of us want to share our lives with someone, many of us want to make our contribution to the world and some of us want to have a family someday.
Yet, once we get (married, have children and an opportunity to fully contribute to the world), if not all of the above, I’m going to argue, it’s impossible to have it all.
…and if we still want it all, with those things, then it can become a burden.
Picture this: A family of 4, both partners value their careers, value home cooked organic meals and all members of the family have 4 activities that they value and hold close to their heart. Both partners give back by being on boards or volunteer for causes they believe in and also volunteer to coach their children’s sports teams. The partners don’t believe in babysitters, because in their culture, it’s the family that usually supports. Since they live hours away from family, they make sure they’re watching the kids or have family come in to watch the kids (which is a rarity only when both partners must be at an event).
Does reading that exhaust you? If it doesn’t, it’s probably because you’re in the thick of that, and can’t see that, that is A LOT.
At a certain point, something’s (or someone’s) got to give. …and if you haven’t discovered that point, you may feel like there is no space for you as an individual, for you both as a couple, or for the family to have space to just relax and be.
Once the responsibilities accumulate: partners, with careers they value plus children, can’t have it all. Instead, you need to identify what’s important to you.
What’s important to you?
Digging deep, ask yourself (then each other):
What’s important to me?
How can I be intentional about prioritizing that?
Another question that often begs to be asked is “what does my family need?” It’s often helpful to discuss this as a couple, as you may see this differently. Then, focus on how you can be intentional around that as well.
In the book Essentialism, Gregory McKeown said that priority was originally a single thing. Somehow in modern day culture, we changed a single priority to plural priorities. I’m going to go all in and say: You cannot prioritize everything, as then nothing is a priority.
Ask yourself:
What are the (1 or 2) activities in your life that you couldn’t live without?
What’s the return on your investment (or time and energy) with being on boards, volunteering, staying late at work, etc.?
Ask your children:
What are the (1 or 2) activities in your life that you couldn’t live without?
What is it that you love about this activity?
The Family System
I watched a video recently, where Brene Brown spoke about family focused families and how in order for her family to work, with all the things that each individual loves, her family brings things to a question: “what will keep the family healthy?”
We all have our own individual passions and commitments, yet the “family is the system that we serve.” What does that mean in practice?
What works for your family? Each family will be different. Is that each person has to prioritize one thing? Is it that your children can pick only one activity to pursue? Is it that one partner needs to cut back on taking new projects as the other is in a high peak/high demand work period?
Additionally, this will change and evolve throughout your family’s life due to the needs of the family system.
Brene Brown also speaks about the 50/50 rule in her home. She says “Marriage is not something that’s 50/50…a partnership works when you can carry their deficit of (how they can show up) for each other.” If you’re running from here to there, you’re not there to support each other, you’re just running around. In fact, in these situations, I’d argue that most of the time you have no idea how each other are feeling as you probably have very little time to speak to each other or truly see each other.
Intentional choices
Returning back to having it all: Love, partnership, career, a roof over your head and food on the table: these are all necessities. If we look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, do you think someone can achieve self-actualization (the desire to achieve and fulfill one’s personal needs) and have it all?
I believe they would clearly admit that they don’t have it all, as they had to make intentional choices in order to arrive there and achieve all they had.
Interdependence
I speak a lot in my work about a couple being interdependent. This comes from Jennifer Petriglieri’s book “Couples that Work.” It breaks this topic down into bite size pieces, so well.
Many couples who feel that they can do it all, “make compromises that trade wins and losses. They to try to balance a concession in one area by Partner A against one in another area by Partner B. …true life partners are not independent, but rather interdependent. This mutual dependence requires couples to collaborate rather than barter.”
She goes on to explain that we need to be intentional with our choices on our careers, parenting, sharing the commitments, and even sharing our values, boundaries and fears for this lifestyle.
This is SO important, especially if a family wants to get focused on what’s important for the good of the family structure and health.
Focus on the present, to secure the future
So, what if you feel like you are making sacrifices now for the future good? Do you feel like you’re living a life where you are going in the wrong direction or away from what you really want?
Don’t get caught in the status quo trap, says Stewart D. Friedman & Alyssa F. Westering in their book, “Parents that Lead.” They encourage partners/parents to look towards the future and consider life differently. “If we don’t want this for our future, why are we willing to accept it now?”
Modern Family Life
Modern life has taken us far from where we grew up and the villages we were held by. Whether it was for a job relocation or a better life, if you’re a family who lives far away from their community, you know how vital it is to truly prioritize what’s most important for your family. Without the village, you and your partner are often the only support available, which means that you’re often spread thin and stretched beyond capacity.
Stretched beyond capacity won’t work for long. So, what lever do you want to adjust? Is it the traveling consulting opportunity or the time with family? Is it the driving children from one activity to another to another or the opportunity to spend time together or even allow the kids to understand what it’s like to be bored? Is it the 4 birthday parties in one weekend or saying no to almost all of them for the ability for the family to have a restful weekend? Is it the volunteering and serving on boards or the ability to have dinner together as a family and an occasional date night?
Having it all isn’t the pinnacle of a good life. Intentionality, interdependence and one solid priority (what do you truly want/desire) are. This will change, and that’s the beauty of this life.
